Saturday, March 21, 2009

1 Month


I think back to just 4 weeks ago and then look at Hayley and can't fully make the connection that this little girl was once in my belly. She was quite comfortable in there, I might add. When we decided to induce I was so relieved to have a plan in place. Then as we drove to the hospital I was extremely nervous. I'd changed my mind. I wasn't ready. What were my other options? Luckily we had some really great nurses that put me at ease and got me all set up. Then began the waiting game. I was so frustrated that things were progressing so slowly and I was so sick of being hooked up to a million machines but then I'd hear Hayley's steady heartbeat and I'd settle back in for the next wave of contractions.

Hearing that I was going to have a c-section was somewhat devastating. I wasn't prepared for surgery and I wasn't prepared for the feelings that would come up when told I wasn't physically able to birth my child with out an intervention. I'm still not sure what those feelings were completely about, but I do know that I felt like my body had failed me. Like I was failing my daughter. I didn't have much time to dwell on these insecurities as 20 minutes after hearing the prognosis I was holding my beautiful Hayley.

And in that moment I fell in love.

That love has grown and matured over the last 4 weeks into something more beautiful than I could have never imagined. I'm exhausted each and every day but I'd happily stay awake forever if she'd just continue to dream in my arms.

I love you, baby girl.

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